Thursday, June 27, 2013

Double Grief

Thud! Thud!! Thud!!!

The clumps of sand hit Iyke's coffin and I doubled up in pain again, silent tears poured down my face as Nkemjika
, my elder sister held on tight to my shoulders, her own sobs making her body vibrate beside mine.

I wanted to be strong, I wanted to stop the crying, Iyke wouldn't like this. Even when the cancer took its toll, he kept making jokes, he refused to be sad. I wanted to be strong, like I promised him I would...but I just couldn't. I fell to my knees and I just wanted to be with him, wrapped in his embrace one last time.

"Dimma! DIMMA!!!! Have you seen your wickedness? I have not only lost my only son, I also do not have a grandchild from him. DIMMA, how do you want me to remember my son biko nu. I hula onwe gi, I bu nwa ojo Dimma, You are a wicked woman. 
You are not ready, you are not ready....ARE YOU READY NOW THAT HE IS GONE EEEE!!!!!

Mama's words came back to me, Ijeoma and Obianuju, my sisters-in-law, both sat in silence as she spat out more hurtful things, their silence cutting as deep as mama's words.

Who would I tell? Who would I explain this to? How do I let them know that last Christmas reunion, when I said I was not ready for babies yet, I was only covering my husband's pride?

Two days before the reunion we had received his lab results. Abnormal sperm morphology and low sperm count. He was crushed, but I wasn't, I knew the God we served, I knew it was just a matter of time. I knew diet and medication could help, so when mama raised up the matter again, reminding us that our third year anniversary was just a few months away, I had to say something. I had seen the look on his face as she spoke, the pain, the frustration...I knew my husband felt he had failed me and I hated that so I laughed and told mama we were just waiting to be ready, that he was waiting because of me.

How was I to know he'd be diagnosed of leukemia the next month, How was I to know that this man who was my rock and my life would soon leave me all on my own? 

He scolded me that night, told me mama would be bitter at me for claiming I was the reason we didn't have kids, but I waved away his fears, I told him God would change our story soon...

The grave was covered now, I saw well wishers walking towards us, I saw mama too and reached out to her, to share her grief in this final moment . She snatched her hand from my grasp and spat out some words I couldn't really make out. Nkemjika grabbed me up and started to steer me towards the car, as we went she explained to the people that I wasn't up to talking.

I felt my heart wrench, this pain was physical. Iyke was gone and now I had lost his family too. They were all I had left of him, yet I knew my sisters-in-law would never stand up to mama, they feared her too much to even try.

We got home and I saw that mama had gotten there ahead of us, I walked up to her and tried to hug her but she pushed me aside. She looked at me with cold eyes and said
"Stop this pretense Akudimma, I can never forgive your wickedness"

"Mama" I pleaded, "We need each other now, I understand that you are in pain. A mothers pain is far different from a wife's pain but mama we need each other to come through this. We both have...."

"I don't have any need for you Akudimma, and just so you know, I have decided that I would be moving in next month. I would give you time to decide where you want to move to, let it not be said that I kicked you out into the streets. 
The day you decided to deprive my son of a continuing legacy was the day you ceased to be my daughter, I have nothing else to say to you"

For one moment I was too shocked to speak, then it hit me, there was no redemption with mama, there was neither love nor empathy in her heart anymore where I was concerned. She had turned to walk away so I held her back by the shoulder

"Mama, this house was built by Iyke and I, for the family we wanted to have. By your own words you have disowned me as a daughter, and while I might be powerless to change your mind, I have every power to decide what happens in this house. MY HOUSE!!
To me, you would always be my mother, and if you choose to forgive whatever wrong you feel I  have done you, you would give me reason to be happy once again, because at least I would still have Iyke somehow through you.
You are welcome to stay as long as you want, but please understand this mama, you would never move me out of my home."

I walked into my room and slammed the door. My whole body shaking, I took iyke picture off the dresser and hlding it to my chest, I sank to the floor.

Why Iyke, WHY!!!!!!

* biko nu - Please
* I hula onwe gi - You see yourself
* I bu nwa ojo - You are a terrible child
Posted on 9:06 PM | Categories: