I read the mail, tears running freely down my face.
D, cast a glance my way, as i made to swipe a tear that trickled.
"You ok love?" he asked as with his free hand he gave mine a gentle squeeze.
Truth is, I was ok, I was in a good place, the tears were not for pain, rather they were for release, and the joy of new perspectives.
I thought over the mail from Chi again.
"....I’ve had cause to do a lot of thinking lately and a lot of it was about you. In the last 2 months, we’ve lost 4 members of our staff, all of them were women and all of them just had their first baby. I cried for the last one cos she got married late about 35. Has been married for 3 years and finally got pregnant last year. She gave birth on a Friday April 30th and by Sunday she was dead. She was diabetic, it got worse with the , her BP went up. She gave birth naturally no complication but on the day after they were discharged, her BP spiked suddenly, before she could get to the hospital she went into a diabetic coma and that was it. She was a personal friend.
.....all these got me thinking. What exactly is this life all about? The children lived but the mum’s didn’t. the babies are motherless, the spouses are lonely and hurt and don’t have a clue how to take care of their babies or if they should be happy or sad. Anyway, hubby and I were talking just this morning and I said this marriage is about more than just having kids. I wont want to have kids if my spouse wont be there to enjoy them with me. I’d rather adopt and have a full family than have a child without one of the other parent.
I’m not saying that if you have a baby you will die. Jhaz, what I am saying is that when I pray for you now I don’t say God give Jhaz a baby. I say God make her happy, let her find a joy that transcends her circumstance. I cannot imagine not having you around and I treasure you more than I’ll ever treasure any baby you will have. So maybe I’m being selfish but that is what I pray for you. I know it’s not easy but babe, there is more to your life than the babies you will bring forth. I wont stand in a miracle line and ask God to remember you cos I do not believe that he has ever forgotten you. But I will always pray that He blesses you as you have been a blessing to us all and that he waters you as He has used you to water us in different ways. And whatever happens, I just want you to be happy and find peace in God’s will.
I turned back to D, squeezed his hands in return and whispered the words....."Yes baby, I'm great"
To make sense of this...
We've waited close to 2years to pee on the stick and see it turn pink, or have the + sign appear, and it hasn't (yet)...some days, it bothers me, most days, I'm great, and today I was.
This mails got me crying cos it resounded all of the things I have learnt along the way, it reminded me of my promise to myself not to let the things I do not have yet rub me of the joys that abound...cos they do abound...and even though the joy of motherhood exceeds human description (i have four sisters that sure qualifies me to know...lol), ... my not conceiving yet, doesn't make me an incomplete woman...
(Acts 1:7 - He said to them, ‘It is not for you to know times or seasons which the Father has put in His own authority)This made me see that God has placed me into PRECISELY the right context for my life (cos when I said yes...my times and seasons were put in His own authority). I’ll do better the way I am than any other way I might think I should be. God has intended me, in His love, to be just as I am...He has ordained my times and seasons, and if this season says wait...I would wait, but life wont stop...I would bask in the fullness of the plenty that surrounds me...and like Zoe said in her post...I would be useful in this place.
When I said yes to God...I chose to love him because of who He is, and when life went the way I wanted...I shouted on the highest peak..."He is God and there is none other"...but now, my heart sometimes tells me otherwise,...when I speak the words and do not see it happen...then I became silent.
But I'm learning....learning to get my voice back again....I started with a whisper, now, I no longer whisper, I say it...and time is soon to come, when I would once again shout it from the roof tops "He is God and there is none other".
So much I have learnt...maybe I'd share more with other posts...but I just want to say this...no matter what we have or do not have, we need to learn that our ministry is not just for the good times, it is for every season, and to me, more so in the tough times....and hard as it may be Lord...use my life now...more than ever.