Friday, July 16, 2010

Not the other Woman, But.....



Dinner - Check
Dishes - Check
Kitchen Cleaned - Check
Doors locked - Check
Trash out -  Check

All that was left....a nice warm shower and then snuggle in to bed, another great day had come to an end.

I tossed the towel on the bed, Mike was in the toilet, I could hear him whistling a ridiculous number as he did his business, I undressed and just as I grabbed the towel off the bell, his phone fell.

I picked it up and pressed a button to ensure that nothing had gone bad, and was relieved when the lights came on. One of his constant habits is dumping his phone after reading an sms without exiting the page, so out of habit i was about the press the exit button when i caught the words..."I'm home now..." so I proceeded to read it and it said "Oga mi, I'm home now, phew, what an exhausting ride.., Have you had dinner?, guess you'd be turning in soon, see you at work tomorrow and regards to ur wife".
I smiled and returned the phone to its pouch.

The text was from Evelyn, his subordinate at work...and for me, this had gone on for 3months too long...


For some of us married gals, this scenario may seem familiar, the spouse isn't cheating, nah...not at all, 

"this other person is just a colleague at work, a member of the same unit in church, a fellow volunteer at the orphanage...a harmless other, nothing at all in-between, not ever has there been a night out, a stolen kiss, an inappropriate hug or lingering handshake...nothing....that's how we explain when the wife gives us the.."whats with the over familiarity" look.....infact, most of our men, even when they are not guilty, once you just ask..."what was that about"...gen gen (tense music)...defenses are up.

"We were just talking o, there's nothing, she's just concerned cos I had a headache at work earlier, its just her nature, she's just generally caring, haba, but you know she has a guy she is dating...."

Guy...Chill, its not the Spanish inquisition, we just wanna know where to place the babe.

She's not the other woman, she's not a bitch, she's not a snatcher, she's not a home-wrecker..she's just the girl who wishes her "man" was as perfect as your husband, or she's the friend to your husband, who is yet to find another man that understands her and can advise her the way your husband used to....before he got married.

Problem is, while clueless hubby is just being a friend, lil miss "just a friend" is setting her heart up for major confusion, and if she's not wise enough to learn where to draw the line, someday...maybe when she's lonely, or when she just got dumped, or when she's majorly frustrated with life, or maybe even when she's just tired of waiting on her man to step up and be man like yours is, shit is going to hit the fan, and God help you if hubby doesn't have his umbrella up at that point cos shit is going to splatter all over him like fruit juice in an open blender.
Plus, someday "husband man", those late night "counseling sessions" you honestly and innocently have, advising her on her love life after group vigil in church, might turn ugly ...maybe on the night when she's so overwhelmed with "issues"

Truth is, we never plan for stuff to happen sometimes, but the wise ones understand that in life, prevention is better than cure.

So, set boundaries, let the other person understand that it can be a tad bit inappropriate to keep tabs on the well being of a married person, that's one of the perks of marriage after-all, so, he's covered, thank you, and if he's not....well, that's a story for another day....(Wife of that man O.Y.O lo wa o).

Don't encourage the other person...as silly as it sounds sometimes we women just feel, "well if he isn't pulling away, its cos he likes the attention, maybe he needs more TLC, aww, if only his wife understood how much he deserves it and more".

And most importantly, don't set your emotions up for being tested, at some point, you and wifey might have a fall out, most likely, at that point, you would be vulnerable...there's so much that can go on in a vulnerable heart, so as much as you trust yourself, guard your heart with all diligence.

And wifey, its okay to let him know you ain't comfy with a certain relationship, now this part is tricky, cos some of us are just generally insecure or possessive (jealous), being any of this can lead us to deal with matters in an immature manner and push our spouse away, but, if we are not any of the two, a calm discuss should pass the right message across.

Bottom line....in the issue of friendship with another persons spouse..both the be-friender and the be-friended should learn where to draw the boundary lines.....Have a great weekend y'all, dont we all deserve to do just that?


PS:....I guess this happens the other way round as well (wife having a male friend that gets hubby feeling uncomfortable), but i chose to concentrate on the hubby cos that seems to be more rampant.

PSS: How can we clearly define or draw the line between being careful and being jealous and over possessive?

8 comments:

  1. hahaha @shit is going to hit the fan, and God help you if hubby doesn't have his umbrella up at that point cos shit is going to splatter all over him like fruit juice in an open blender. I hope he has an umbrella oh.


    Everything in this life has boundaries. Some people never see or choose to ignore it. Like you said nothing is happening right now, but we really never know. Maybe she is just being a good friend, maybe she has a uterior motives. Na God and strong head dey safe person.

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  2. hummm nice lesson *furiously scribbling on the palm of my hands* for when I get married :)
    humm i read somewhere about the Jealous, over possessive aspects... it comes in the whole territory of learning how to love. If we love someone, as love ought to be, then jealousy should have no part... and how we manifest that is a learning experience with the aid of the Holyspirit. So I believe when you are being careful, even the Bible says we should be wise without the fallibility of Jealousy playing a hand in your love, then your other half will be drawn in to know that your response is coming out of love and not Jealousy.

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  3. Boundaries are definitely highly important. Hubby and I have had to discuss boundaries too in our relationship. It could be an innocent friendship actually, but if it makes the spouse uncomfortable...it's better to drop/minimize it.

    As for the line between jealousy and over-possessive, I feel that it depends on the character of an individual. The only person who can clearly draw the line is the spouse (who knew the character of her husband before, and is seeing how jealous/over-possessive he has become). It's not a thin line, it's a fat line.

    Very real post.

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  4. True talk indeed. Someone was talking the other day of harmless flirting and friendships outside of the primary relationship. I don't knw if there's harmless flirting sha, same as those undefined friendships. Once the other partner is not comfortable with it, then something needs to be done.

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  5. Jaycee lol@ fatline.

    This post reminds me of a married man i met about 4 months ago, who was looking for a close knit friendship with me. You know the kind where you hang out on weekends to talk and all. Told him outright that if he was looking for a "shenanigan" he was at the wrong shop. Besides why couldn't he hang out with his wife?

    He went on and on about how he needed my kind o friendship and all what not. Of course i stopped picking his calls after one week cos i wondered why he needed a female buddy to hang out with so frequently.

    Boundaries,boundaries,boundaries!!!!!!

    I think the friend should also be cautious and know where to draw the line. That is of course if he/she doesn't have ulterior motives.

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  6. It happens everday o, ppl say its harmless flirting just to make the individual feel alive, and still sexy,attention worthy and all that...but like my boyfriend keeps on telling me "Lead us not into temptation, is better than deliver us from evil" in other words prevention is better than cure.

    If ur significant other has a friendship that bothers you, speak up before its too late...you might be seeing signs that he or she doesn't see.

    Good topic dear...have a fabulous weekend!!!

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  7. Yes o! Na small by small e dey take start. Good point!

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