Friday, May 21, 2010

In the waiting

I read the mail, tears running freely down my face.
D, cast a glance my way, as i made to swipe a tear that trickled.

"You ok love?" he asked as with his free hand he gave mine a gentle squeeze.

Truth is, I was ok, I was in a good place, the tears were not for pain, rather they were for release, and the joy of new perspectives.

I thought over the mail from Chi again.

"....I’ve had cause to do a lot of thinking lately and a lot of it was about you. In the last 2 months, we’ve lost 4 members of our staff, all of them were women and all of them just had their first baby. I cried for the last one cos she got married late about 35. Has been married for 3 years and finally got pregnant last year. She gave birth on a Friday April 30th and by Sunday she was dead. She was diabetic, it got worse with the pregnancy, her BP went up. She gave birth naturally no complication but on the day after they were discharged, her BP spiked suddenly, before she could get to the hospital she went into a diabetic coma and that was it. She was a personal friend. 

.....all these got me thinking. What exactly is this life all about?  The children lived but the mum’s didn’t. the babies are motherless, the spouses are lonely and hurt and don’t have a clue how to take care of their babies or if they should be happy or sad.  Anyway, hubby and I were talking just this morning and I said this marriage is about more than just having kids. I wont want to have kids if my spouse wont be there to enjoy them with me. I’d rather adopt and have a full family than have a child without one of the other parent. 

I’m not saying that if you have a baby you will die. Jhaz, what I am saying is that when I pray for you now I don’t say God give Jhaz a baby. I say God make her happy, let her find a joy that transcends her circumstance. I cannot imagine not having you around and I treasure you more than I’ll ever treasure any baby you will have. So maybe I’m being selfish but that is what I pray for you. I know it’s not easy but babe, there is more to your life than the babies you will bring forth. I wont stand in a miracle line and ask God to remember you cos I do not believe that he has ever forgotten you. But I will always pray that He blesses you as you have been a blessing to us all and that he waters you as He has used you to water us in different ways. And whatever happens, I just want you to be happy and find peace in God’s will.

I turned back to D, squeezed his hands in return and whispered the words....."Yes baby, I'm great"

To make sense of this...

We've waited close to 2years to pee on the stick and see it turn pink, or have the + sign appear, and it hasn't (yet)...some days, it bothers me, most days, I'm great, and today I was.

This mails got me crying cos it resounded all of the things I have learnt along the way, it reminded me of my promise to myself not to let the things I do not have yet rub me of the joys that abound...cos they do abound...and even though the joy of motherhood exceeds human description (i have four sisters that sure qualifies me to, ... my not conceiving yet, doesn't make me an incomplete woman...

 (Acts 1:7 - He said to them, ‘It is not for you to know times or seasons which the Father has put in His own authority)This made me see that God has placed me into PRECISELY the right context for my life (cos when I said times and seasons were put in His own authority). I’ll do better the way I am than any other way I might think I should be. God has intended me, in His love, to be just as I am...He has ordained my times and seasons, and if this season says wait...I would wait, but life wont stop...I would bask in the fullness of the plenty that surrounds me...and like Zoe said in her post...I would be useful in this place.

When I said yes to God...I chose to love him because of who He is, and when life went the way I wanted...I shouted on the highest peak..."He is God and there is none other"...but now, my heart sometimes tells me otherwise,...when I speak the words and do not see it happen...then I became silent.
But I'm learning....learning to get my voice back again....I started with a whisper, now, I no longer whisper, I say it...and time is soon to come, when I would once again shout it from the roof tops "He is God and there is none other".

 So much I have learnt...maybe I'd share more with other posts...but I just want to say matter what we have or do not have, we need to learn that our ministry is not just for the good times, it is for every season, and to me, more so in the tough times....and hard as it may be Lord...use my life now...more than ever.



  1. Thank you for sharing this and for the encouragement. God has a plan for all of us and in His time, all will be manifested.

    My heart breaks for your friends and the women who passed away. May God console those left behind.

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. Wow. The lessons we learn in life. May your joy be full.

  4. Thanks for sharing this. I pray for Gods joy to always be yours as you wait. Everything is working together for your good.

  5. @ Harry

    I'm glad you do...:).
    Have a gr8 weekend dude.

    @ Myne

    Yeah...God has a way of making things fall into place in His own time and way, and I'm sure He will......I think of them constantly too, and pray along with you that they find the strength to go through this.

    @ Jaycee

    Amen to that sis...and its also amazing how its the things that we learn that give us the forsight for tomorrow

    @ Hadassah

    Amen..I totally believe that too, and I also pray they do same for you too.

  6. I give God praise that the post was a blessing. This post really ministered to me. We can have joy in all circumstances because no matter what we still have reasons to give God praise. While we wait, God give us the grace to be useful in your kingdom

  7. I loved this post so much, that I had to re-read it..
    Sometimes, I just pray that I won't wait.. It scares me so much..

  8. Such an encouraging post! God bless u and grant you beyond your hearts desires! God will def reward your faith!

    Just to encourage you, I heard a testimony from a couple that has been married for 20 years and they've been trusting God for the fruit of the womb and the woman is now 55 and pregnant!!! God will do it for and ur testimony will be greater. He will do it in his time and by his special grace it'll be sooner then you know it! So praise him in advance! :-)

  9. @ Zoe...God be praised indeed...and amen to that prayer.

    @ Sosexy....funny thing is, i never even though about it before i got married :)...but I sure pray along with you that you wont have to wait

    @ Blessing...amen and amen...


    Like Blessings said, Praise him in Advance, My mother's older sister had her first child at the age of 60, no artificial Insemination, nothing. It was God's work period. If her Joy can come at 60, yours is on the way. It's been 7 years and Peter is 7 years old.

    Infact, let me be the first to congratulate you. CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!

  11. I think I understand those tears...

    That mail is powerful, please let Chi know. I love the words "I wont stand in a miracle line and ask God to remember you cos I do not believe that he has ever forgotten you..."

    This is definitely a mail to keep as reference...

  12. Thanks Zena...and Congratulations is sure in order...:)...
    Stopped over at yours and totally loved your honesty on you blog...its real refreshing. do huh :)
    I plan to keep the mail for a long while...but telling Chi...hmm, her head would get too big for my liking, i kid. God sure hasn't forgotten me...can He ever???

  13. You know God really never forgets us, that's the part of your sister's mail that I love most..

    I definitely understand those tears..we're His work, fearfully and wonderfully made and our lives are only meant to give Him glory!

    The blind man, Jesus said it was for His glory..Lazarus died, Jesus said it was for the glory of God to be revealed..halleluyah!

  14. hmmm inspiring post. Really thanks for sharing. God has sure not forgotten you : )
    How are you babe?

  15. Very lovely post. Here's my 2 shillings - In the bible, six women had delayed fruits of the womb. Sarah (Isaac’s mother),Rebekkah (Jacob and Esau’s mother),Rachel (Joseph and Benjamin’s mother),Samson’s mother, Hannah (Samuel’s mother), and Elizabeth (John the Baptist’s mother).

    This shows that every time there is an unusual delay, there is always an unusual form of blessing about to be birthed.

    On this note,keep rejoicing because your unusual blessing is on the way ;D

    Ps thanks for the love on my infant blog.

  16. I was really blessed by this piece. I am glad you are making the best use of your time in God's waiting room. However, if there is one thing I am sure of its that None shall be barren in the land.

    God will continue to strengthen for greater exploits even at this time

  17. word o !!!
    i thank God for you