Friday, May 21, 2010

In the waiting

I read the mail, tears running freely down my face.
D, cast a glance my way, as i made to swipe a tear that trickled.

"You ok love?" he asked as with his free hand he gave mine a gentle squeeze.

Truth is, I was ok, I was in a good place, the tears were not for pain, rather they were for release, and the joy of new perspectives.

I thought over the mail from Chi again.

"....I’ve had cause to do a lot of thinking lately and a lot of it was about you. In the last 2 months, we’ve lost 4 members of our staff, all of them were women and all of them just had their first baby. I cried for the last one cos she got married late about 35. Has been married for 3 years and finally got pregnant last year. She gave birth on a Friday April 30th and by Sunday she was dead. She was diabetic, it got worse with the pregnancy, her BP went up. She gave birth naturally no complication but on the day after they were discharged, her BP spiked suddenly, before she could get to the hospital she went into a diabetic coma and that was it. She was a personal friend. 

.....all these got me thinking. What exactly is this life all about?  The children lived but the mum’s didn’t. the babies are motherless, the spouses are lonely and hurt and don’t have a clue how to take care of their babies or if they should be happy or sad.  Anyway, hubby and I were talking just this morning and I said this marriage is about more than just having kids. I wont want to have kids if my spouse wont be there to enjoy them with me. I’d rather adopt and have a full family than have a child without one of the other parent. 

I’m not saying that if you have a baby you will die. Jhaz, what I am saying is that when I pray for you now I don’t say God give Jhaz a baby. I say God make her happy, let her find a joy that transcends her circumstance. I cannot imagine not having you around and I treasure you more than I’ll ever treasure any baby you will have. So maybe I’m being selfish but that is what I pray for you. I know it’s not easy but babe, there is more to your life than the babies you will bring forth. I wont stand in a miracle line and ask God to remember you cos I do not believe that he has ever forgotten you. But I will always pray that He blesses you as you have been a blessing to us all and that he waters you as He has used you to water us in different ways. And whatever happens, I just want you to be happy and find peace in God’s will.

I turned back to D, squeezed his hands in return and whispered the words....."Yes baby, I'm great"

To make sense of this...

We've waited close to 2years to pee on the stick and see it turn pink, or have the + sign appear, and it hasn't (yet)...some days, it bothers me, most days, I'm great, and today I was.

This mails got me crying cos it resounded all of the things I have learnt along the way, it reminded me of my promise to myself not to let the things I do not have yet rub me of the joys that abound...cos they do abound...and even though the joy of motherhood exceeds human description (i have four sisters that sure qualifies me to, ... my not conceiving yet, doesn't make me an incomplete woman...

 (Acts 1:7 - He said to them, ‘It is not for you to know times or seasons which the Father has put in His own authority)This made me see that God has placed me into PRECISELY the right context for my life (cos when I said times and seasons were put in His own authority). I’ll do better the way I am than any other way I might think I should be. God has intended me, in His love, to be just as I am...He has ordained my times and seasons, and if this season says wait...I would wait, but life wont stop...I would bask in the fullness of the plenty that surrounds me...and like Zoe said in her post...I would be useful in this place.

When I said yes to God...I chose to love him because of who He is, and when life went the way I wanted...I shouted on the highest peak..."He is God and there is none other"...but now, my heart sometimes tells me otherwise,...when I speak the words and do not see it happen...then I became silent.
But I'm learning....learning to get my voice back again....I started with a whisper, now, I no longer whisper, I say it...and time is soon to come, when I would once again shout it from the roof tops "He is God and there is none other".

 So much I have learnt...maybe I'd share more with other posts...but I just want to say matter what we have or do not have, we need to learn that our ministry is not just for the good times, it is for every season, and to me, more so in the tough times....and hard as it may be Lord...use my life now...more than ever.


Posted on 9:57 AM | Categories:

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Are women really harder to please?????

They say women are hard to please
In my case...I'd say think again

He sulked cos i didnt watch football
Then I started watching football
Still, this darling husband of mine sulks

Now is it my fault that his team has the likes of
Terry, Lampard and Anelka...among others
who I think are cute.
And that my idea of football conversation is
"...Anelka's eyes are looking tired today...but he still looks good though"
or "I just love Terry's hair...dont you think its cute baby"
or.."i actually just realised this Lampard guy isn't bad looking at all"
then yesterday i said "who is that cute fan...he's so adorable"
and he answered in response "you don't even know the owner of the club"
while giving me the look that says "If you were blonde, I'd understand"
(no insult intended by that

At least once in a while, I chip in the regular...that was a frigging foul
and.."WTH, why didnt he just pass the frigging ball"
and " are you for real??? where the hell is the defence"
So, a lil appreciation by the side, should be allowed....right???

Then check this out
The other day he said...I dont mind a woman who is 
Wife, sister, friend, lover and mother
So in light of this, I chose to prepare the food boiled..instead of fried as he likes it
trying to be motherly...thinking of his health and all
and he goes.."Who's going to eat this boiled food"
to which i replied (still in my motherly role of course)
"You're going to eat it, you will enjoy it and best part, you will finish it"
then i smiled coyly and added "Cos i love you baby,and  I want you to eat right"

He eats his food (while mumbling of course) 
and yesterday...rants to his friend how..
he doesnt even know who is the boss anymore
since he cant even decide what he would or would not eat in HIS OWN HOME
Well...where I come from..the mother owns the home...not the son (lol)
So choose baby...

I could go on and on...but i think I've made my point
The next time I hear a man tell me women are the complicated ones
I think i just might scream...
I believe though, we all have our "issues"
So I guess what i'm trying to say is...No sex is better than the other
We all have our strengths , We all have our with it